Star Trek: Authority

by DuAnn Cowart

An imposing silver screen decorated one side of the Carrier's lovely alien walls. The Doctor leaned back, smiling broadly. He didn't remember a whole lot from before the previous Doctor spoke to him, but he did remember this much.

He was a Trek geek. And he liked it.

Kirk. Spock. McCoy. Picard. Sisko. Janeway. Figures of modern legend.

So whenever he could, he grabbed one of the many spare rooms of the Carrier and intercepted a stream of video feed or popped in a tape. Days like today were his particular idea of heaven. A fat joint, a soft chair, a big screen, and the voices in his head remaining particularly silent.

He grabbed the remote control. . . And promptly fell into the realm of imagination.

He watched Kirk step onto the screen, and murmured under his breath in a passable imitation of ShatnerSpeak. "Jenny! You! Must! Stopbeingsuchapushybitch!"

The Doctor giggled, and took another toke.

A bit away, two pair of bare feet padded down the Carrier's silver halls. Jack Hawksmoor and Shen Li Men walked by, engaged in heated conversation.

"So tell her, already, Jack," Shen advised, dark eyes sparkling in the bright light.

"Yeah, right," Hawksmoor muttered miserably. "Easier said than done, Shen. I mean, I'm not exactly-" He turned his head, then realized he was talking to the air. "Shen," he chided, turning around. "I'm pouring out my heart to you, at least you could friggin' listen to me-"

Several feet behind him, Shen held out a slender hand, halting his outpour. "Hush, Jack," she murmured softly. "I hear something. . ."

"When do you *not*?" Jack grunted, but turned around and walked back towards her anyway. He tilted his head to the side, but heard nothing. "What?"

Shen was silent for a long moment, then a huge smile split her lips. "The Doctor."

"What about him?"

"You'll see," she smiled broadly, then turned and opened the door.

"Ooooh, Wrath of Khan," Jack murmured, and grabbed a seat, woes forgotten for the moment.

Moments later, with the help of radiotelepathic nanites and a bright idea by Shen Li Men, Jenny Sparks and Angela Spica walked in, both women chain smoking and cursing.

Jack looked up and grinned broadly, scooting over on the couch to make room for them. "Hey there," he waved at the two. "Join the party."

"Bloody stupid Star Trek shit," Jenny cursed, but nonetheless plopped down on the couch to stare wide-eyed at the screen. Shen, perched on the far arm of the couch, just shook her head.

Angie gracefully descended to the floor beside them. Jack paused for a moment, then offered her a small cushion from the couch. She accepted it with a smile.

"Apollo said he and the Midnighter would come by later." She waggled her eyebrows. "I didn't ask what they were doing."

"Like there's any need to ask," Shen murmued quietly, eyes fixed on the screen, shaking her head sadly.

Beside Jack on the couch, Jenny coughed, then took another puff of her cigarrette, blowing out a thick stream of heavy smoke. Jack inhaled deeply, the pollutants in the ash interacting with his altered biology.

Shen wrinkled her pointed nose, waving a hand to disperse the air. "You all are disgusting."

The Doctor rolled his goggled eyes. "I am *trying* to watch television. Be *quiet!*"

Jenny Sparks hushed him back, long blonde ponytail swinging with each head movement. "Ah, shuddup. Yer living on a fifty mile wide ship. We've met seven different kinds of aliens already. We just defeated huge squares of turds you called a bloody deity. Please don't tell me you're takin' bloody Star Trek seriously."

"But it's *Star Trek*," The Doctor whined.

"Relax. It's just a TV show. It's not like it's your First Communion or anything," Angie explained patiently, scooting to the side so as to lean against the couch Jack and Jenny were resting on. Jack shifted his legs to make room for her.

"My first what?" The Doctor tilted his head curiously.

"Never mind, you heathen." Angie sighed, rolling her eyes. "Just lighten up."

"As long as you're quiet." The Doctor's danish accent lilted pedantically.

"Jenny. . ." Angie's voice rose in annoyance.

Jenny sighed. "Ah, shit. Children, these things are meant to be mocked. If y' can't take the company, Doctor, get out of the kitchen."

"But I was here first!"

"Don't matter. Shut yer whining, or I'll have Jack boot you out."

Jack turned to their leader, affecting a drawl. "Dammit, Jenny! I'm your bouncer, not The Doctor!"

Sitting crosslegged beside him, Angie murmured "A fact for which we are all profoundly grateful." Across the room, The Doctor glared at her, but a particularly bright phaser scene caught his fleeting attention. They watched on in, to his opinion, blissful silence until Montgomery Scott stepped onto the screen.

The effect was instantaneous. Angie yelled, her normal light, clear voice affecting a deep scottish brogue. "Jenny! The Carrier canna take mooch moooooorrrrre o'this!"

Jenny shook her head wryly. "I'm runnin' bloody Bedlam here."

Her teammate kept on. "Jenny, A' cannae break th' laws of--"

"You already are, Angie." Shen's commented wryly.

"Oh, shut up, Shen. *I'm* not the one with wings on my back."

"You're just jealous."

"SHHHHH!" The Doctor growled, never turning away from the screen.

"Shhhh what?" A deep voice sounded behind them, and all heads turned around to see Apollo and the Midnighter walk in. Apollo wore his usual broad grin, and the Midnighter looked less dour than usual.

"What are you doing?" Apollo asked pleasantly, then recognized the images on the screen. "ooooh, Star Trek," he gushed.

"Hmph. Star Trek." Midnighter stared at the screen, then glanced at Apollo, then back at the screen. His lips quirked in something resembling a smile.

Pointing one black-gloved finger at his partner, he yelled. "DAMN you and your Vulcan logic, Spock!"

Apollo fell down laughing, and gasped "Dr. McCoy, is that some cagey attempt to seduce me?

Angie's shoulders shook with laughter. "Ewwwww!" She threw the pillow at Apollo, who caught it one handed. "Don't make my mind go there!"

Midnighter growled. "You Klingon Bastard, you killed my son!"

Jenny sighed. "Can you two continue this little role-play OUTSIDE?"

"But--"

"I said outside! DOOR!"

"But Jenny, outside is a complete vaccuum!"

"You should have thought about that before you put those images in our head, now shouldn't you? G'won, piss off. Angie, kick their arses out."

"But Jenny--"

"Oh, fuck. Bloody useless, the lot of you. All right, let's get this over with. Next one of you stupid plonkers to disturb the Doctor's viewing pleasure has to stay behind and mind the bloody Carrier while the rest of us go to the Planet Of The Nubile Young Sexually-Compatible And Very Friendly Alien Men With Large Pleasure Appendages."

Jack narrowed his gaze. "You sexist. Why can't there be a planet of Nubile Young Sexually-Compatable And Very Friendly Alien Women, instead?"

Jenny grinned. "Cause I'm the bloody leader and I say we're goin' to the Planet of Nubile Young Men."

"That's not fair. . ."

"All right. Let's take a vote. All in favor of Nubile Young Men, raise your hand now." All around him, hands went up- Angie and Jenny first, then Shen. Midnighter and Apollo looked at each other, then both shot muscled forearms up in the air. The Doctor paid them no mind, only scowled at the continued talking.

"There you go, Jack. Five in favor, one against, one absention. You're bloody outvoted."

"Hmphf. You stacked the deck. . ."

"Whatever, Hawksmoor." Jenny sighed, then stared morosely at the screen. "Damn, Shatner's gotten old."

"Not everybody stays as pert as you, Jenny."

"You don't bloody say. Well, doesn't matter. Patrick Stewart's making a good show for us geriatrics now, isn't he?"

Angie grinned speculatively. "He sure is. Nice chest for an old man. . . Ah, hell. I like Next Generation better than this," She waved a hand at the huge screen, "It's a better show, anyway."

Jenny quirked her lips in a snarl. "If that bald git Picard would FIRE the fucking PHASERS, he might actually WIN every now and then!"

Jack turned to her, and in all seriousness added "But Jenny, that would be breaking the Prime Directive. And he's English."

"He's not English, he's a fucking Frenchman, isn't he now? That's different. Froggies are born to be arseholes about the rules. Cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys."

Apollo murmured "You can take the girl out of pre-WWI London . . . ."

Angie grinned, and looked up, quoting something. "All I learned about aliens I learned from Star Trek."

Jenny burst out laughing. "Angie, you're in for a hell of a surprise. All I learnt about aliens was from fu--"

"Yes, Jenny. We've met your ex-husband."

"BE QUIET!" The Doctor turned to them, hushing them all. On the screen, Spock was sliding to the floor, one long fingered hand pressed against the glass to Kirk's.

"You have been. . .and always will be. . . my. . . friend..."

The room was silent for a moment, then was cut by a loud sniffle.

Midnighter looked at him askance. "Oh, cut the cryin' shit, Apollo. You've seen number three twelve times. You know he bloody comes back."

"But he's his best friend, and he's dying, and it's so sad. .."

Midnighter rolled his eyes. "We go through this every time."

"It's not MY fault if you like the other movie better."

"I'm gonna kick myself for asking, but what movie?" Jenny asked, a wry look on her face.

"Number Four. The Voyage Home." Apollo supplied helpfully. "I like it too, just not as much as this one." He tilted his head, a speculative look in his eyes. "Hey, Doctor, have you got that tape?"

Jenny sighed. "No, Apollo, you CANNOT see The Voyage Home again."

"But I like the whales."

"We ALL know what you like about the whales, Apollo..."

Without warning, the lights flickered, and the television set went offline.

After muttered cursing and imprecations, Jenny jumped up, barking orders.

"Shit! We're under attack! Apollo, Shen, get me the U.N.-"

"Jenny-" The Doctor interrupted.

"Angie, get suited up, talk to the Carrier, find out what the hell-"

"Jenny-" The Engineer spoke up.

"Doctor, what th' bloody fuck are y' waiting for? Get-"

"JENNY!" The Doctor and The Engineer yelled in unison.

"WHAT?"

"The Carrier's doing the routine self diagnostic we ordered this morning. This is just this section of the ship going through the testing. I told you ab out this this morning."

"Oh."

Shen asked quietly "Angie, how long until the lights come back up?"

"A while. But we have the auxilliary system --"

"There! Are! Four! Lights!"

There was a brief pause, then Angie giggled. "Good one, Jack."

"I try."

In the darkness, a jaded British voice sounded sadly. "Damn it, if there's not going to be a fight, at least when are we going to find a Planet Of The Nubile Young Heterosexual Men In Desperate Need Of Someone To Worship?"

"Everybody needs a dream, Jenny."

"Yeah, yeah. Piss off."

Almost on cue, the lights cut back on, and the huge television flickered back to life to the credits of the movie.

"Damn," The Doctor swore under his breath. "I missed the last of it." As the credits ended, The Doctor stood up and faced them all, ears burning a deep red color. He looked sadly at the smoking butt that was all that was left of his habit. "I am putting in a Next Generation tape," he explained politely. "It's a particularly interesting episode, so the next one of you to talk gets turned into a flatulent hampster."

The threat had the desired effect for about five minutes before conversation again broke out.

"Ah, there's that LaForge wanker. When's he gonna realize somebody put a bananaclip on his head?"

"About the same time you realize that Frankie Valley isn't cool anymore."

"Sod off." There was a brief pause, and Jenny continued. "Anyway, Angie, we've all seen your 'headdress.' You can complain about LaForge when you explain what practical use it serves."

"It's...a sunvisor..."

"Right. Pay up."

"NO! no, it's a . . . energy harness."

"HAH! And the Doctor'll pass a piss test."

"HEY! Leave me out of this. I'm just *trying*," he emphasiszed the word " to watch a little television," The Doctor responded, taking a deep draw of his joint.

They continued watching, until Apollo broke the silence. "Oooh, this is an old episode. This is the one where Troi has a baby. . .this one sucks."

"Right, new rule. If anybody starts boinking a noncorporeal entity and gets pregnant, that's YOUR lookout, not mine."

"But Jenny, I don't think that's fair. I mean, I'd probably need the support."

"Piss off, Apollo . . ."

"Okay, what I want to know is why haven't they started using the holodeck as a virtual brothel. All those young ensigns who obviously aren't getting--"

"You spend too much time thinking about this stuff, Midnighter."

Several moments passed as they watched the show. A landing party composed of Riker, Crusher, LaForge and an unnamed Ensign beamed to the surface.

Angie looked up, shaking her head. "All I gotta say, Jenny, is that if you send my ass down to a strange planet wearin' a red tunic, I'm goin' AWOL."

The Doctor looked up, then looked down at his vest, then looked back up. "Does this explain that red vest you got for me for Christmas?"

There was a long, awkward pause. Jenny finally answered. "Um. . .no. . . that was. . . a holiday vest."

Apollo caught on quickly. "Um, yeah. Holiday vest. Color looked good on you."

The Midnighter paused. "It was. . .festive."

Jenny emphatically shook her head. "Yep, that was it. Festive holiday vest. Now watch the bloody show."

They lapsed into silence as the episode progressed.

Eventually, Apollo turned to Midnighter, speaking quietly. "This show is all right, but I really prefer the one after it, Deep Space Nine."

"I do, too."

"I like it when they make Dax wear leather. Nice ass."

"Yep."

"Bloody great. Even on a chick."

"I really don't see what the big deal is . . ."

"Apollo."

"Yes."

"You know I love you."

"Yes."

"But if you come back as a woman after dying, don't expect me to kiss you"

"Of course not. That would just be wrong."

Shen interrupted their musings. "By the way, I saw your little collection, Midnighter," she smiled broadly.

"I REALLY don't think we want to know about this," Jack rubbed his temple with one callused hand.

"What collection?" Apollo asked curiously.

Shen grinned. "Little do the others suspect that the aloof Midnight owns the full set of the original Star Trek Commorative Plates." The others laughed, and what part of Midnighter's face was exposed shone a bright pink.

"They're for target practice!"

"SURE, Midnighter, whatever you say. . ."

"They are," he protested weakly, before being interrupted by the Doctor, who was speaking dreamily.

"Now Janeway . . . Janeway's impressive. Skunk eye of doom, and she's doing it with the cute Borg chick . . . ."

"Janeway is NOT sleeping with Seven of Nine!"

"Of course she is --"

"Thassit, Doctor, I'm severing your Usenet connection."

"But Jenny, I love my fanfiction, it's what I have instead of a sex life, you don't understand. . ."

Angie interrupted, a dreamy expression on her face. "Mmm, Voyager. That Chakotay's tasty. I'd do him in a heartbeat."

"Hell, Angie, you'd do Ensign Redshirt #10 in a heartbeat.. ." Apollo teased. Jack glared at him. "Um, no offense. . ."

Turning away, Apollo resumed his conversation with his partner a bit too quickly. "No, really, he has a wonderful ass."

"Shut up, Apollo . . . ."

The Doctor snorted at the screen. "Anyway, they think THAT'S a wormhole? We have a bigger one in our basement!"

"We have a UNIVERSE in our basement."

"See?"

"Fair enough."

Apollo and The Midnighter were still bickering. "Hmmm. Apollo, have you ever thought of shaving your hair?"

"Dammit, you've been eyeballing Sisko again, haven't you?"

". . . "

"HAVEN"T YOU???"

"Yes. Anyway, he's not available. Garak and Bashir are the ones who are gay."

Angie sat up straight, annoyed. "They are NOT gay! Why do you two think every single good lookin' guy is gay?!? Bashir's too cute to be gay!"

Midnighter smiled smugly. "I'm telling you. It's classic. I can sense these things. I am the Midnighter."

"And I am the Engineer."

"And I have Gaydar."

Angie paused, thinking for an appropriate comeback. There was none. "Um. You've got me, there."

Jack grinned at the exchange, then turned to his old teammate. "Shen, you haven't said anything..."

"Well...it's just that I think Star Wars is better anyway."

There was a long pause. "You don't mean that. . ."

Shen just shrugged, an enigmatic smile on her face.

Jenny tilted her head to the side and wondered. "Hey, Angie, if we plug you into a monolith containing the memories of an ancient civilization, will you form heiroglyphs on your forehead and go insane?"

"Touch me and die, Bitch."

"Promises, promises. Hey!" Jenny turned to Shen. "You've just got the bloody hots for Lando, haven't you, Shen? That's why you like Star Wars better."

"No!" The winged woman protested.

"Skywalker?"

"No!"

"Solo?"

"Well. . ." She thought for a moment. "Yes, but that's not why I like it better."

"Chewie?"

"Ewww. NO."

"Vadar?"

"Jenny, you're sick."

In a smug voice, the Midnighter turned to the Engineer. "Vader's gay too."

In a chorus, she and Jack turned and shouted "Shut UP, Midnighter!"

Jenny was still diverted with her conversation with Shen. "What? You gotta have SOME reason for liking Star Wars better than Star Trek."

"Star Drek, more like it--"

"Angie! Get the tar! Shen's providing her own feathers!"

The Doctor turned around. "HAMSTERS, ALL OF YOU! BE QUIET!"

This bought him about ten more minutes of silence, which was enough for the epidsode to conclude. The team burst back into chatter.

The Doctor stood up, almost at wits end. "Any. Suggestions. On which one next?"

Angie spoke up. "OOOH, one with Data's evil twin on it!"

"That sounded entirely too eager. Angie, just promise me you don't have any insane evil android twins floating around out there-"

"Can't do it, sorry. I've got a sister out there, and there's no telling what she'll get into in a few years when she's older. She's a lot like me."

"Really? Two of you?"

"Mind out of the gutter, Hawksmoor. . ." Jenny teased, but from the way and Jack grinned at the smile on Angie's face.

"Hey, Angie, you the good android or the bad one?"

"Wouldn't you like to find out?" There was a brief sultry pause. "I'm not an android, anyway. *I* don't have an off-switch." She grinned.

Jack felt his face redden, and he swallowed, joking to hide the lump in his throat. "Hey, does anyone else want to try that Austin Powers thing with time-travel?"

Apollo turned to The Midnighter, shaking his head. "Ah, the Heterosexual. I mean, I support them politically, but when I think about the actual act."

Both men shuddered. "Ewww."

Midnighter continued. "Absolutly. I mean --" He turned to Jack. "I don't care what you disgusting people do, just so long as I don't have to see it . .."

"Gender and sexual politics aside, *I* still like Star Wars," Shen protested, to which The Doctor jumped up, a wild look on his face. His muscles were curiously slack, and a goofy smile lit up his face.

"Die, Obi-Wan! Ack! Betrayed by a lack of faith in the Force...and a ridiculously

short extention cord--"

"Doctor, it's not going to work if you keep dragging the Mad version into things."

"But Shen, it's so much more fun--"

Distracted from the television for a moment, The Doctor grinned crookedly. "I really do want a light sabre. Jenny, can I have a light sabre?"

"And just what would you bloody well do with one if you had one?"

"Um. . . well. . . I'd. . . sabe things?"

Jenny sighed. "Look, if I get you one then Bert and Ernie," She pointed at Midnighter and Apollo, who were still bickering. "Will want lightsabres. And who knows what THEY'D do with them."

"But Jenny..."

"Don't 'but Jenny...' me, you doped-up bloody witchdoctor, I said NO. Not unless you buy them for everyone."

There was a long pause, and Jenny's ageless blue eyes widened slightly. She jumped out of her seat and began to pace around the room. "Waitaminite. He said hamsters a minute ago," Jenny murmured under her breath. "When I went for my breakfast this morning, there were bloody hamsters in the kitchen."

The team looked at each other warily. "Um, Jenny, maybe I need to get you that Alzheimers medicine after all. What the hell are you talking about?" Apollo raised a curious eyebrow.

"Hamsters. Doctor, you said hamsters."

There was a long silence.

Jenny sighed, throwing her hands in the air. "You told me there was an infestation."

The Doctor looked at her sheepishly.

"You told me you'd talk to the Carrier about it and get it taken care of."

The Doctor said nothing, just looked at his boots.

"Look, when I put bloody pop-tarts in the microwave I expect them to be bloody pop-tarts when I get back! Quit it with the soddin' Jedi Mind-Tricks and turning the damn things into hamsters! Bloody furry wankers, you know I can't stand 'em!"

Jack bent down, and interjected sotto voce, "These aren't the pop tarts you're looking for. Move along."

Beside him, Angie giggled, and he couldn't help but smile. Jenny continued raging on, Apollo and Midnighter continued bickering, and Shen smiled a beatific smile. For once, there was relative peace.

After letting her rant a while, the Doctor looked up. "Forget the pop tarts. I'm not gonna get to watch this in peace, am I?" He asked quietly.

Jenny threw her hands up in the air. "No! Sod off, and leave my damn pop tarts alone! No more bloody hamsters, or I'll fry every damn sythetic thread in that tacky purple vest and melt it into a puddle of plastic crap!"

There was a long pause. The Doctor just shuffled his feet.

Jenny sighed, slumping back in her seat. "Now. Are y' gonna put another bloody tape in or what?" She glared up at him, an ugly snarl twisting her too-perfect face.

The Doctor sighed and flicked the television back on. He put in the bloody tape, making a mental note to leave Jenny's breakfast alone for the next few days.

And Apollo and The Midnighter bickered, and Jack and Angie flirted, and Shen smiled, and Jenny fumed. And all over the universe, people lived, and people died, and there were no major emergencies.

The Authority took a collective breath of peace, and the universe went on without them.

Oh, yeah. And there *were* four lights.

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