The Young Person's Guide To Becoming An X-Man

by Amanda Sichter

So you want to be an X-Man?

It should be pointed out that there are some things to be aware of to improve your chances of entering the School and then graduating as a fully-fledged X-Man.

1.      Mutancy

You must be a mutant.

Although Professor X's goal is for mutants and humans to live in harmony there are no humans in the Mansion.

This is because all humans are insane and will attempt to kill you, jail you, experiment on you or remove your powers forever as soon as they discover you are a mutant. Some ambitious humans will attempt to do all four at once.

A small percentage of humans sympathise with the mutant cause and are in the Mutant Underground but they will not be seen and will probably die of Legacy in the near future.

2.      Parentage

Do not have parents.

If you have parents and they are dead it must be at your own hand after you finally turned on them after years of abuse.

If you insist on having living parents they must be criminal overlords, secret anti-mutant government agents, alien abductees or space adventurers. Your parents will not be able to accept that you are a mutant and upon discovering your powers will be driven insane, possibly to such an extent that they become criminal overlords, secret anti-mutant government agents, alien abductees or space adventurers.

Extra credit points shall be given to students who are genetic experiments created by mad scientists.

3.      Siblings

All of your siblings must be insane.

It is expected that the majority of siblings are humans and have been driven insane by their jealousy of your powers. They will freely offer details of your whereabouts to government agents, jealous ex-lovers, alien invasion forces or anyone else who offers to kill you.

In the minority of cases where your sibling is a mutant, they must work for the other side. Employment by Mr Sinister or Magneto is preferred, although free-lancing for the government is an increasingly popular choice.

Any students who unexpectedly turn out to be their own siblings in disguise will be required to repeat all previously-undertaken courses.

4.      Religion

The X-Men have no specific religious orientation and all denominations are welcome.

Extra credit points shall be given to students who have been declared deities and/or the fulfilment of ancient prophecies.

5.      Profession

Being an X-Man is a full-time job. Do not expect to use any previously earned professional skills in your time as an X-Man.

Alternative careers are difficult anyway as your human colleagues, when they discover you a a mutant, will immediately attempt to kill or jail you. You will be fired as there are no anti-discrimination laws relevant to mutants.

Applications from thieves, terrorists, murderers, spies and madmen will be accepted and such students shall be required to enrol in Redemption 101.

6.      Gender

The X-Men are an equal opportunity employer. Male and female students are accepted. Special facilities are available for gender-neutral or hermaphroditic students, while the faculty's treatment of alien emotionally-parasitic beings is the envy of 417 planes of reality.

7.      Appearance

Although students may be of any appearance there are certain provisos before you can graduate as a fully-fledged X-Man.

Male: You must be at least 5'11" tall and heavily muscled. You must have a lush head of hair (male pattern baldness is not allowed and WILL NOT be discussed), large shoulders and a trim waist. A perfect butt is mandatory.

Exceptions are allowed for mutants whose powers have manifested in such a way that they have radically altered their physical appearance, although they must retain the perfect butt.

Extra credit points will be given to those who have wings.

Female: You must be at least 5'8" tall and slender, with a stunning physical beauty. You must have hair that reaches to at least your waist and it must not be restrained at any time (Phoenix will use her telekinetic powers during battle to ensure all X-Women retain the perfect hairstyle). Exceptions are allowed if you are rebelling against your upbringing and decide to experiment with a radical hairstyle such as a mohawk. You must have a trim waist, exceptionally large breasts and translucent skin. A perfect butt is mandatory.

Exceptions are allowed for mutants whose powers have manifested in such a way that they have radically altered their physical appearance, although they must retain their stunning physical beauty, which shall shine through scales, fur, bones or other such impedimenta. The perfect butt remains mandatory.

Extra credit points will be given to those who can grow their hair from shoulder-length to waist-length in less than a week.

Exceptions for both genders will be allowed where the student fulfils the role of perky teenage sidekick to the X-Men. These students are allowed to be short and have short hair. However, they must also be cute and exceptionally smart. Preference will be given to any student who has developed a mentor/student relationship with Wolverine.

8.      Powers

All powers are accepted, although preference is given to those that are energy-based, flight-based, telepathic, telekinetic or involve touch.

NO TELEPATH SHALL BE MORE POWERFUL THAN PROFESSOR X. If such a telepath is discovered amongst the student body they shall be summarily expelled.

Extra credit points will be given for powers that can only be controlled in a fashion that leads to lifelong tragedy for their wielder (eg inability to touch, permanent control devices necessary etc).

9.      Relationships

There is no bar on relationships within the school and any and all manifestations of sexual preference are accepted. It is expected that any such relationship, however, will end in tragedy. The X-Men have a 98% failure rate in relationships and the final 2% is now looking shaky.

10.     The Roof

The roof is available for angsting. There is a strict roster in place to ensure that all students have sufficient time to dwell on their personal tragedies. The roster is placed in the hallway and you must enter your name prior to using the roof.

The roster is strictly policed and any unauthorised rooftop angsting shall lead to expulsion.

11.     The Bathroom

Although the Mansion can cater for up to 150 students, there is only one bathroom. This consists of one toilet and four showers. The rosters for bathroom use are strict and must be adhered to. If this requires you to shower at 2am, you will shower at 2am.

Again, any unauthorised use of the bathroom shall lead to immediate expulsion. For those with more delicate constitutions it is therefore recommended that you do not partake of the fare offered in Remy's Famous Cajun Chili Cookfest Nights.

12.     Pets

Pets are allowed. However, due to the crowding and close proximity of students it is recommended that students acquire intelligent, intergalactic alien pets who do not require toilet-training as they subsist entirely on hydrogen particles. Such pets are available on request to the Shi'Ar Imperatrix (see Student Directory for contact details).

13.     Defence

All students are required to learn the chorus to at least one insanely catchy, hideously annoying pop song (ala Britney Spears or the Spice Girls). This chorus should be sung continuously in the event of an attack by a hostile telepath, allowing them to be quickly rendered powerless under the assault. Alternatively, for our younger students, the chorus to "The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round" or "It's A Small World After All" are acceptable.

The use of "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" by Kylie Minogue is banned after the unfortunate incident where the hostile telepath's brain actually exploded. Our public liability insurance no longer permits the use of this song on the premises.

14.     Final Rules

After The Incident In The Rec Room, Professor X has forbidden for all students to think about watermelons, wet-suits, shaving cream and a jackhammer.

No student is allowed to consume more than their own weight in food at any one sitting. The consumption of major solar systems is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.

Any student whose entry into the Mansion is not accompanied by banner-waving from FOH members and a tale of personal woe involving their rejection by their parents, the loss of a job, the breaking up of personal relationships or their own complete amnesia will be sent back out the gate until they do better. Exceptions will be made for those students who cannot explain their tale of woe due to angst overload but are able to create meaningful and charged silences when asked about their pasts.

Extra credit points will be given to any student who supplies sufficient funds to rebuild the Mansion after the next attack from any of the X-Men's enemies.

Lawyers, insurance salesmen, Department of Education inspectors and clones will be summarily disembowelled by Wolverine. Any student found to have let such intruders into the Mansion will be required to clean up the mess.

We hope this guide has been helpful in determining if the School is suitable for your educational needs and allowing you to maximise your potential as a student.

Xavier's School For Gifted Children: Building On The Rubble.

The End

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